Missadventures in Dating - The life saver

Not all of my bad experiences in dating have come from meeting dating site people.  Actually I have met some lovely people, who didn't like me or I wasn't into dating via dating sites.  Sometimes you drive right into a dating scenario.

So, I commute 40ish minutes to work and home each day.  As a result of being a incessant optimist, I am always late.  Speeding happens.  It is my fault and as I have ever gotten caught, I know it is my fault and take my shame ticket.  That morning, was one such morning.  Speeding down the interstate and I see the lights behind me.  Damn.

I pull over and get my information ready.  He comes around to my passenger window because of the speeding vehicles on the other side. I roll the window down and hand him my information. We go through the "Do you know why I pulled you over" song and dance.  I know what is coming and I own up to my speeding.

Suddenly he is coughing like he forgot to keep his lungs on the inside.  I had a fresh bottle of water in my passenger seat, so I hand it to him.  He gulps down about half of it and finally is able to catch his breath.  I am glad because I didn't want to get in trouble for killing a cop when the dude couldn't breathe in the first place.

After he has his air where it should be and has working lungs again.  He tries to hand the half drank water bottle back to me.  I am not quite sure what he thought I was going to do with it at that point.  So joking I said "Nah, you keep it, you can just get the next drink."  Look how witty I am!

"Seriously?" - Him a little surprised
"Um... sure." - Me not sure what he is surprised by
"So, like how about Friday?" - Him mentally thinking through his social calendar.
"Oh, ummm... Yea, that works for me." - Wait, what?

All of a sudden we were exchanging cell numbers and I had a date.  As I got back on the interstate towards work I realized that, while I had a date, I had no speeding ticket!

WTF!  Is my life a movie now?  Who does this happen to?  I had to tell the world so, I told facebook.  My friends also couldn't believe my life.

On Friday, he messaged me to make sure we were still on for that night, and he asked where I wanted to eat.  I chose a semi nice place that we could both drive to.  That planned I was anxious for this. He was fit, and handsome.  Probably about my age.  This could be fun, and what a story would it be if it worked out and we got married!

After work I gussied up and drove to the restaurant.  There he was waiting outside.  There was a short wait and as we waited on the bench outside, I asked him if we could take a picture together. I had many people interested in how our date was going to go, and thought it would be fun to share.

"Aren't you a bit old for that?" - With disdain on his face...
"Oh, well I just thought it would be fun." Don't tell me 30 is to old for selfies! "I am going to use the restroom before we head in."

From there I went to the restroom, because twitter, and shared my moment.

From there the date just went down hill.  While he was a gentleman in his actions and such, he wasn't a fan of anything I was.  "You teach science, most of that is brain washing the kids.  I am a Christian." (So was I?)  "Theater?  that is for drama queens and gays." Erm...  And so on till I decided to focus on my grilled chicken and mashed potatoes.

As the night came to a close and we were heading to our individual cars,

"So, you want to come back to my place?" He asks...
"Um, no."  Did he not hear our conversation in there?
"You aren't going to want to see me again, are you?" He finally realizes.
"Thank you for dinner, and the evening, but that would be a no." Duh

He kind of nodded and walked away.  So much for my awesome wedding story.  Welp, it was bed for me.  I was proctoring the ACT's the next morning and was anxious to tell my evening to my friends.

PS - I have cut back on my speeding a ton.  If he pulls me over again, I am pretty sure I am screwed.

Missadventures in Dating - A Dinosaur

When I explain that I have had bad luck with dating, I am afraid people think it is because I am one of those people who is a horrible judge of people.  I really don't think I am, I have some of the most amazing humans as friends.  Truthfully, I am very careful before I meet anyone.  Sometimes, the crazy or weird just doesn't come out right away.

The Dinosaur.  

On dating sites, you wouldn't (or maybe you would) believe the people out there.  I tried the quiz based -  pay sites, and was not impressed... especially when they said there was no one in my state (that I didn't already know) who I would be a good match with (said people I already knew, were not who they publicized on the profile either.).  The Christian site had by far the most guys just looking for bootie calls or housewives.  (Please note, I am in no way looking down on women who run the home, that just isn't what I plan for myself).  The men I spoke with were very upset that "a good Christian girl"* would want to work and not stay home and pop out kiddos.  Not for me.

Finally I got on one of the free sites.  They have paid features, but the free site gave me the most control (FINALLY!)  One such control was that I could decide who could see me.  This became important when people my father's age were chatting me up.  I know people have many reasons to go on a dating site.  Mine was not to meet a 'grandpa looking to play.'*  So, controlling who could contact me was a very happy thing.

One such person was: Self Employed, college degree, decent looking, had a great smile, .... Cool.  He contacted me so I was inclined to communicate via the in app messaging.  For a few nights back and forth, we would chat via the app.  Finally we traded cell numbers and switched to just texting.  He gave me his first name, and it sounded normal enough (I have changed his name for his privacy, but let's call him Bo),  Bo and I chatted and he did seem to have his life together, we enjoyed similar things, he spelled out all his words and used punctuation correctly.  So when he proposed meeting face to face, for maybe a dinner, I was game.

True fact: I am a busy person.  I have an awesome job, but it does stay very active.  I don't just work 9-5, there are lots of evenings and weekends thrown in there.  So, when I had to raincheck our date (just postponing was the plan till...) Bo got all upset.

"But I invited my parents!"

Woah... what?

Turns out texting a person is now the same as dating?  So every day we texted had been a day we had been dating.  So, since we had been 'dating' now for a couple of weeks he wanted me to meet his family.

It was this time also that I received his FB request and discovered that he had legally changed his name to a dinosaur.  Add that fact to his need to text me, 30+ times a day (pre 6 am, and all day at work.  I tried to explain that: "Dude, I am at work please don't text me so much."*)  So, via the dating app I said I no longer wanted to continue forward.  The following are the pursuing text messages.

Welp, guess I ruined my chance.  And people who think girls have no need to fear in modern times, ... case in point.  Yes, this guy is looney, but it isn't the first time I have been spoken to thusly for saying I wasn't interested.

P.S. After this began background checking all potential dates met on line.  You live, you learn.
* All quoted parts of this were truly said things.  I only had screen shot and saved the last conversation (which he still tried contacting me...) because of it's crazy.

Spy Periscope

This past week I let a Spy Camp, which was a total blast.  One of the things the students wanted to make that I hadn't even thought about was a spy periscope to see around corners.  "Whelllll... um, sure. Give me 5 minutes to figure it out."  So as the students worked on their hollowed out books I set myself to the task.  I googled it first (because why reinvent when you can borrow).  I found a pattern that used cardboard orange juice cartons.  I didn't have those in such short notice but I could make a long square prism... So here is what I came up with.  It all worked pretty smooth actually.

You will need: 

2 8.5"x11" cardstock papers
ruler
sissors
pencil
mirror
tape

Instructions: 

1. Do the following with BOTH sheets of paper!
Across the top and bottom of the page make a mark on the 2", 4", 6", and 8" (This give you 4 x 2" areas and a .5" area)

2. Draw a line from the top 2" to the bottom 2", and so on with each line till you have 4 vertical lines.

3. Keeping the page vertical, draw a line 1" up across the bottom of the page.  In the second column only, draw a horizontal line 2" up from the bottom and 4" up from the bottom.  That should create a window space only in the 2nd column.  (see above)

4.  Fold on all the vertical lines.

5. Now cut out the second column window.

6.  Fold into a rectangular prism and tape shut

7.  Cut your mirror into rectangles 1 3/4" by 2 3/4" .  Then using tape insert mirror on the inside wall of the prism opposite the window, so that the top of the window and the top of the mirror line up.

These do line up on the left, but the angle of the picture is off.
In this the tube-y part is to the left, the opening is to the right. 

8. Angle the mirror so the bottom of the mirror touches the opening of the window. Then tape it so it stays in that diagonal (45 degree) angle.  If sitting on the table when you look into it, you should see the ceiling.  

See my fingers reflection in the window from my hand at the top?

9. Now, that 1" marking across the bottom, cut the corners up to that marking. We will fold those into overlap creating a closed end, and tape them secure. 

10.  Now with the open ends facing each other, and the windows facing in opposite directions, insert one prism into the other.  You may need to bend them a little bit. Now go to a corner and see what is around the way! 

Confetti Poppers

As the name of this blog implys, I adore all things shiny.  A friend once told me my spirit animal is a disco ball.  So, truly anytime I can add glitter, I am a happy crafter.

This craft is one that can be modified for time of the year, and size.

What you will need: 

Tissue paper
Glitter/confetti
Construction Paper
Sissors
Tape
Ribbon

Steps: 

1. Get your piece of tissue paper.  I cut mine aproximately 1'x1'... Really I opened the really long sheets, and cut them in 1/4ths.

2. Get two pieces of construction paper and place them on your tissue paper, 2/3rds of the way down on the left and right sides of the tissue, we want there to be a tiny gap between the construction paper where you can see the tissue paper.

3,  Tape the constrution paper at the top and bottom, MAKE SURE THAT THE TAPE DOESN'T CROSS INTO THAT MIDDLE GAP.

4. Add the goodies into the very middle of the paper.  Keep there in a pile.  Be careful through out to make sure that the goodies don't fall out the end.  (this can be done instead between steps 7 and 8)

5. Keeping the middle gap vertical, carefully roll it all into a tube.  When rolled my tubes are about 1.5" in diameter.  The goal is to have a tube to put the glitter/confetti in.

6.  Tape the tube so it stays rolled (horizontally on the edge of the tissue paper), MAKE SURE THAT THE TAPE DOESN'T CROSS INTO THAT MIDDLE GAP.

7.  About 2"-3" from the left edge tightly tie the string, The string should scrunch all the tissue/construction paper together and make it so nothing put inside can fall out.

8.  Tie off the right side the same as the left.

9. TIME TO POP 'EM

                  Holding the areas to the outsides of the string ties, pull apart and up.  (If you pull apart and down, it will all open on the floor.  If you do it up, the goodies rain down on you from above.)

Notes: 

If made a smidge bigger you could put small individually wrapped candies in here.  Yum and Fun!  

The reason for the middle vertical gap is so that it breaks open cleanly, if not there, it tends to break off near a tie.  

Have fun and Enjoy!!!

Paper Beads

I don't know if anyone remembers these, but I recently came across a craft I used to do all the time growing up.  Paper beads are quite simple to do, And really inexpensive!

Supplies
Paper (white printing paper is fine)
Permanent Markers
Ruler
Scissors
White School Glue
Chopsticks or Bamboo rods
Exacto Knife

1. On a sheet of printer paper (8.5"x 11") across the top edge using a ruler, mark the .5" increments (.5", 1.5", 2.5", 3.5", 4.5" etc) on the bottom the 1" increments (1", 2", 3", etc)

2. Draw from the bottom left corner of the paper to the top left dot.  It will be a slightly diagonal line.  Then from that same first dot on the left at the top, to the left most dot on the bottom.  Then from the bottom left most dot to the second dot from left at the top. Continue this pattern till you have a page of triangles.

3. Cut on the lines, you should get 18 identical triangles, and two that are not the same (those 2 you can toss, or save for a different shaped bead).

4. On the non-line side of the paper, color the paper.

5. Get a chop stick.  CAREFULLYsplit the end of the stick in 3rds using a blade or exacto knife.

6. Place the Wide part of the triangle in a portion of the stick, and start rolling it around, keeping the paper taught (but not too tight).  Watch and keep the rolling even.

7.  As you come near the end, put some glue on and continue to wrap.  As the glue smooches out when rolled, rub it over the rest of the bead to coat the outside (keeping all the bead sealed)

8. To pull the bead off, pinch the bead in place and rotate in the opposite direction (only loosening it from the stick, then pull off the end - being sure to keep the paper in it's place.

9. Let dry, then you can spray with a sealant if you so choose!

Grass Heads / Chia Heads

Everyone remembers the chia pets from a decade or two ago.  Below was my brilliant mother's way to DIY it.

You will need: 
Pantyhose
Sissors
Grass Seed
Planting Dirt
Small Rubber Bands
Googly Eyes

Instructions:
1.  Cut Pantyhose into 6" tubes.
2. If using the toe, you can skip this step.  Otherwise, tightly band off/knot one opening.  Turn the tube inside out so the knot is inside.

3. Add about a Tablespoon of grass seed
4. Add about a cup of dirt, and really pack into the bottom.
 ** Warning** if you didn't tie off the rubber band tight enough (like a bajillion times) it may pull loose.  Not that tightly packed,

5.  Add rubber band to tie off the top of the hose, as close to the dirt as possible.  Make sure it is banded as many times and as tight as possible.  Cut excess Pantyhose

6. Flip over.  The visible knot is now the bottom, the grass seeds will be on top.

7. Grab a small bit of hose and dirt to make a nose, rubber band it

8. Glue (Hot glue works best for this) googly eyes above nose and below hair.
9. Put in a low disposable bowl, or shallow cup.
10. Water and watch grow!  The first time you water, make sure to get saturate the grass seeds.

Miss Adventures in Dating - Part 1

So, I am single.  So far I have liked the people I have dated... probably a good sign.  I just haven't loved any of them or wanted to live my life with them.  In the process of looking for those future gents, I have run across some specifically cring-worthy gems.

Mr. Too Classy for Olive Garden

      Being a millennial in the technology age, my forays into dating involve online options.  I have always been very mindful of what I put out there, and try to remain classy as well as myself at all times.  
      There is both an art and a science to creating one's profile (especially when the quiz based sites don't have any matches for you in a 200 mile radius).  No, I am not interested in one night stands.  Yes, I enjoy the outdoors but I don't want to be a hunting widow (the ladies who never see their husbands during hunting season).  No, I do not want to puppy train a 21 year old, or date a grandpa/person of significant age difference.  I am a democrat and get frustrated at any level of haters.  I hold communication high in importance in a relationship, and if you can't spend the time to finish writing out a work, or use common punctuation so I can understand your sentence - well.... bye Felicia.
     Once you weed those individuals out, you can start "flirting" and communicating with people you find.  I do like that their stats are right there for me to not have to background check (let's pretend for this moment that they are even true).  Now to really start chatting.
On this instance, I had been chatting with a guy (banker, from a nearby smaller town, dimples, not to tall, or short...) and was really enjoying the conversation.  We progressed to phone call chats, and it was date time. Mister suggested we go to the nearby bigger town with far more sit down meal options, and I agreed.  "You said you like Italian, how about Olive Garden." Sure!  I am cool with beers and burgers, steak and heels, or anything inbetween.  OG sounds perfect.  (NOTE: GI, the town nearby doesn't have much "classier" than the OG)
    So, on date night, I put on cute wrap dress, that showed a little decoupage but nothing I wouldn't wear to church.  I did put on a push-up bra, because those are their own kind of battle armor. From there I drove to the OG, so I could drive myself home, to his home, to another establishment, whatever the date called for.
     I would like to take this to explain that up to that Mister had been engaging, witty, compassionate, and lovely during all our chats.  I was nervous/excited/about to puke.... the usual.  He had arrived a little early to make sure we could be seated together right away, again... a lovely idea.  So when I showed up, we exchanged a brief hug.  From there he held me at arm's length, looked me up and down, and asked "What?  No cleavage?" I was dumbfounded... was he making a bad joke?  Was he serious?  I looked at the high school kid collecting menus and he also looked shocked and confused.  So, at least I wasn't the only one who thought that was off taste.  
     At our table, our server got our drink orders, and I now wary of the evening decided to go with an iced tea.  Mister, was rather obnoxious asking what their best wine was, their years, and other such questions.  We were at the Olive Garden.  Not that they have bad wines, but he was being extremely pretentious, and condescending to our server.  A big no - no for me.  Our server went to fetch our drinks, and the real conversation began.  "I am kind of surprised you didn't want to go to a classier place.  Usually that is all women want me for is my money.  But I suppose you didn't want to put out that much." - Yes, those words came out of a human's mouth to another human (me).
"Excuse me?!!"
"Don't get me wrong, you are trying, but clearly you don't have a lot of other options.  Not that you would have to whore it up, but it couldn't hurt your prospects." - Again, seriously?
WE HADN'T EVEN GOTTEN OUR DRINKS YET!!!!
So I got up, grabbed my purse, called him some of my favorite 'save em for a good need' words and walked away.  As I was leaving, the high school kid from the menus touched my arm (good thing he stepped back, I was ready to slap the person if it was Mister).  Instead, the kid offered me a box.  I took a breathe, thanked him and jumped in my car to leave.  On my way back to home, I opened the box to find some delish OG breadsticks (and nothing heals a hurt pride like carbs, butter and garlic).  I called one of my friends, told her to meet me at the bar and took off.
     The next day, I went back to look at his profile, but he had taken it down.  Wise, being as I was going to report him anyways.  The breadsticks really were delish though.